NaPoWriMo 2019, Day 19

Avoiding Elegy with Prayer

Antarctic ice sheets dwindle and
Build up the seas until they swallow
Continental edges. The water is full of
Dioxins, pesticides, islands of garbage.
Even so, the world feels as
Full of wonders as ever.
Green in abundance, plenty of beauty left before we run out. Unseasonable
Heat just now getting too unnatural to ignore.
I was trying not to think too hard about it all because
Jangling fear trembles my belly and spine,
Kills my calm. But there are people I
Love, small people who will need their
Mother-home to be a place they can live.
Now I pray the planet holds
On for a little while longer,
Plead with the oceans to forgive us our trespasses, atone to the skies
Quickening with our poison.
Radiant world, still breaking my heart with your
Sandy beaches, your wise old trees, your healthy streams—
Tell me you could forgive us, that there is time to
Undo the damage. Don’t let us end like
Venus, another paradise lost. Someday only things
Wilder than people will be able to survive here, but don’t
X us out
Yet. This clock is not ready to reset to
Zero.

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NaPoWriMo 2019, Day 10

Everyone’s out today,
the birds and the bees and
the squirrels and the first bits of
green bursting forth from brown branches.
And I’m noticing all these things because
my children are such fascinated observers
of the world. It moves slowly
in their wide eyes and
they name the bees again and again
and their favorite game is blowing away
dandelion fuzz
and their faces are dirty and their
eyes are so full of shine
and their small heads are
haloed in sun,
and I’m stunned at how easy
they take joy where they find it.

NaPoWriMo 2019, Day 9

Things That Make Me Feel Better

Days where I accomplish much,
pizza and wine on Friday nights,
crying, usually,
good, hard runs and
good, hard rolls in the hay.
Beautiful sad poems and
beautiful joyful poems and most of all
beautiful existential poems
(that make me feel less alone).
Romance novels that fulfill all my favorite tropes,
and those that make me adore them, anyway.
Seasonably appropriate weather, and
old, old trees to press my ear against and
listen for their hum.
Wrapping my arms around my children, and
kissing their small, smooshy cheeks.
Visiting my therapist, especially when
I am funny enough
to get her to snort-laugh.
Reading the same books and
watching the same movies
again and again.
Having the windows open to sweet, warm air,
feeling it tender on my skin,
burning incense, playing summer music.
Days where I feel completely healthy.
The closeness of my husband.
Memories of being loved.
Turning sad memories
into happy ones.

NaPoWriMo 2019, Day 7

The only prayer I pray everyday is the one
where we four live long, healthy, happy lives,
together, together as much as possible.
I don’t know how I convinced myself I deserved
this normalcy I denied myself
but, one day, I admitted what I wanted:
the mundane, the everyday
doctor appointments and making lunches and
being as obsessed with cleaning the house as my mother and now
there are many moments where I am so
happy I laugh and excitedly describe to myself just
how wonderful it is to be ordinary, to
have all the things I thought were only for other people.
Lucky-it feels so lucky. There are plenty of
things to pray for, but this one thing the most:
please, please don’t take it away from me
whether I deserve it or not.

NaPoWriMo 2019, Day 5

OCD Villanelle

I can’t stop for fear I’ll break the world-
reciting lists of things that make up mine-
could cause the larger order to unfurl.

The litany of things that stitch a girl-
careful threading that keeps whole and binds-
I can’t stop for fear I’ll break the world.

This globe that’s speared upon its tilt-a-whirl
might be flung out of this space and time-
could cause the larger order to unfurl.

The cares wrapped round my finger like a curl
are meant to keep disordered thoughts in line.
I can’t stop for fear I’ll break the world.

A meditation-medication swirl
help, but I can’t shirk the chore assigned-
might cause the larger order to unfurl.

Can my grains of worry form a pearl?
My skill’s unequal to the grand design,
but I can’t stop for fear I’d break the world,
and cause the larger order to unfurl.

NaPoWriMo 2019, Day 4

Separation Anxiety

I do not want this hard, sweet time to end,
long days of fighting with myself because
I have both your love and respect to win-
parents and children don’t know the same laws.

The uncomplicated joy you make me
feel is almost enough, but I’m longing
again to be a person, whole, and free
to craft words, is mother always first? Wrong

or right is my constant guessing game. I
feel like you’re being wrenched away from me.
Though the choice is one I make myself, why
do I still feel I’d never be ready?

If the timing is wrong, then I pray you
will learn it’s a better me who loves you.

NaPoWriMo 2019, Day 2

Words for a Shared Journey

Your metaphor for the world didn’t match mine.
Instead of a puzzle to solve, what order to the confusion?

To not be loved for what you are is the greatest bewilderment.
Disappointment can smolder along your nerve endings until they gutter out and die.

Your common touch has seen you through, but fear has crippled you. I know the fear.
Your mask of calm is a trick on the world, and on yourself.

I see you, Sisyphus. But did you know, some labors are illusions?
When fantasies burn out the work of real dreams begins.
Will you stay?